In Finland, at least, when you're working towards your driver's license, one of the key things to remember is to always explicitly show the instructor that everything you do is intentional and that you are on top of things. It doesn't matter if you don't really check whether or not a bike is approaching as long as on a shallow and superficial level you let the instructor see that you made a gesture. It is funny, but that's how its done. A good driver will automatically start acknowledging things without actually thinking too much about it, but for some odd reason it's not enough that you don't crash into anything during training, but you have to formally demonstrate that you know how to survive.
Similar situations arise at work and at school. Especially at school. Substance is, more often than not, a secondary issue, as long as the form is good. You can write papers and as long as you cite the right authors and structure the paper in a seemingly intelligent way, you can pretty much say whatever you want and nobody will care too much about it. At work it is again slightly different, but the same elements are present there. This may be how a cynic views the world, but I firmly believe that there is an element of truth behind this; you get points for form and only then, if at all, for the substance.
I've also recently figured out what was one of the really annoying parts in my previous serious relationship. There were many different things, but one aspect was that I didn't see the regret in her actions. I'm sure she felt bad for whatever it was that she had done, but she didn't clearly communicate or show this. Granted, I might not be a person who is approachable at all when I'm in a seriously foul mood; in fact, I'm quite convinced that if I'm seriously ticked off, it might just be better for other people to head for the hills. But regardless, I didn't see the effort in righting the wrongs. There was no effort on a superficial level, nor was there any in the substance level. The message, as I interpreted it, was that "Well, this sort of stuff happens, deal with it. Oh, yeah, I guess I'm feeling sort of bad or something." And because the name of the game is forgiving people, that didn't help the situation all that much. How can you even try to forgive someone who does not even appear to be regretting her actions.
But this actually illustrates one funny aspect of us humans; we are incredibly easy to manipulate, regardless of whether or not we admit it. As emotional beings, all you have to do is understand ever so slightly what the other person needs and then just play along. Some people are better at playing along in some situations than others. I guess the general consensus is that I'm not the most emotional of people (and then again, those who know me know the exact opposite), but that is mainly because my issue is with expressing the emotion. It's the superficial side that I should work on. It's what the Americans are so good at: acting. And acting isn't as bad as it sounds here; it just means that if there are the two levels that were previously argued, substance isn't very much without form, and acting is the form. The connection is symbiotic, in fact. Form without substance is unfortunately very much present in the corporate world, where endless Powerpoint slides and lots of expensive suits and seven-fold ties have replaced the actual substance.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
You actually cite my main complaint on the german school system. I know that Jeff always loves to quote the "prussian school system - learn how to be a good worker" line, but I myself consider this to be long out of date.
I can't speak for the finnish system, of course, albeit we usually hear that the scandinavian systems are far superior in nearly every bit.
My main complaint is, that it's basically a waste of time. Past grade seven (roughly), school here is useless:
- You have done all the elementary math and everything from now on, will be re-done ad-nauseam in university, should you chose to take up studies in a mathematical/scientific field. If you chose a vocation that will bring you into an aprenticeship that requires math, you will repeat and deepen your math in work-school.
- You have finished your german grammar studies and from now on learn what you are supposed to interpret into works of the likes of Homo Faber and/or Goethe.
- After three years, you (should) have reached a point in your english language studies, when your english is about as good as it will get in school. Now it's the same with English as you are doing in German class.
While I could also add, that there's also not even nearly enough science-classes in school, which could actually teach you something, be it geography or basic chemistry, I think the last two points raised are what I have seen mentioned in your post. While school is far from being the peasant-school that Jeff mentions, it's really not much else but a style-over-substance thing. I remember once getting a D in an english test, because my answers in the "give your opinion" section, wasn't what the teacher wanted. I raised hell, but most others never gave a damn.
In regards to your relations-communications words, I can only add the following:
Having been in my current relationship for a tad bit over eight years now, I can totally agree with the "communication is what keeps relationships" mantra. Even today, both of us learn how to communicate better with each other and it adds to the relationship. Of course there have been hairy days - some of them *quite* hairy -, but I think that our general ability to communicate with each other, has saved the relationship during those. Not only that, but I think that it's communication with each other, that has actually started this relationship. During my time in the armed forces, we only had the weekends and sometimes not even that, for over nine months. There was never any problem with that, while my sister has a huge problem with not seeing her (japanese) boyfriend for more than a month.
"Granted, I might not be a person who is approachable at all when I'm in a seriously foul mood." - YA THINK!? :P
Then again, who am I to point and laugh? When I am in a seriously foul mood, "unapproachable" is about saying as much as saying Uday Hussein was a nasty fella. Thankfully, Rachael has learned that very very fast and knows to more or less stay totally clear of my six, let alone my twelve during those periods. Also thankfully, it is incredibly hard to get me into one of those moods.
So far however, even slightly bad moods have never been a big problem with each other, because we always manage to cool down, notice when we have crossed the line and apologize. Note that I am not saying "notice where we were wrong". The argument will definitely continue, there is no backing out because we started shouting at each other, but the shouting will ceize. :P
Also, you mention "playing along". I think that playing along, has to be a very important factor in a relationship. You don't have to like something, but sometimes it's just better to "play along". Not for peace's scape, but for a general raise in mood. Or as it has been said by great men: "Every once in a while, agree with your opponent. It confuses the hell out of them." ;-)
It's true for relationships as well as diplomacy. Then again, relationships are sometimes nothing else but loooong acts of diplomacy.
As long as one doesn't play along without the ability to stop. THAT's going to end in disaster of Hollywood proportions.
Post a Comment